My life is fabulous, it really is.
My life is full of love, precious people, and activities that make me happy.
The problem is that my life is also hampered by this nasty shadow.
It’s called depression.
On Tuesday night I was struck down by this shadow. One little, tiny, unimportant thing went wrong. It was ever so slightly out-of-place and that was all it took.
Down I spiralled, trying desperately to drag myself out of the pit my innermost thoughts were digging for me.
I cried and raged and furrowed my brow for . . . let’s just say many hours.
I couldn’t do anything to make myself feel better.
My husband, try as he might, couldn’t help.
I waited for some relief, for something to click mentally that would make me feel like me again.
That’s the really awful thing about these episodes of mine; I feel like the real me, the person that is happy and full of life and grateful for all of my blessings, I feel like that person is locked away in a little box. The box is small, there is not enough air to breathe or room to move. I sit in this box yelling and screaming for someone to help me, but unable to allow myself to accept that, so desperately needed, assistance.
Being stuck in your own head is torture, the whole time wanting to just be able to flip a “Happy” switch, to automatically feel normal again. But you can’t find the switch, so you just fumble around in the darkness, feeling out the walls with the palms of your hands, hoping that you will chance upon the switch.
When I’m in the middle of one of these breakdowns I can’t see the good parts of me, I just have to wait it out, I have to sink to the deepest point, until I am physically spent from the emotions. I usually fall asleep at this stage and when I wake up the weight has been lifted. The switch has been flipped and the box is no longer a small and scary place.
The moment when I realise I am just me again is always the sweetest thing. To feel able to smile, to feel the need to sing and to laugh.
Do you know how wonderful laughter is? How miraculous it can feel?
It takes me to the highest of highs, and I don’t know that I would appreciate all of the wonder in my life, quite so much, if it weren’t for the low points. I wish I didn’t have the low points at all, but I am always thankful when they are over and I get to look at my life, and myself, and see the brilliance that is wrapped up in everything.
Truly blessed.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes, I’m thankful – and not as much as I should be. I have to remind myself sometimes that life is pretty good, but it’s easy for me to play the victim and decide that EVERYONE’S better off than poor old me.
As for the depression, I’m glad you’re able to come out the other side each time. I often get hamstrung by melancholia and like you expressed, it’s hard to climb out of!
Take care
xxxxx
Deb recently posted..Untethered… and not necessarily in a good way
It is always a relief and it’s important to remember that comparatively we are very lucky!
I love the term mentally hilarious! Sorry to hear the start of the week was so tough, I love the way you talk about it though. So good to hear of others feeling a similar way at times, though I must say I am thankful I haven’t felt that way for a long time. Here’s hoping it is a while till you do again as well. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you lovely
Rhianna recently posted..Thankful Thursday – The journey of life
Oh I know exactly what you mean! What a perfect description. I am glad that I am able to get out of the box after a little while– I know there are people who find it much, much harder, and seem to spend a lot of their time in the box. I am SO glad I am not one of them
Robyn (@slightly_deep) recently posted..Healing